Giving and Receiving

We got a lot of Christmas cards this year. It’s probably because we mailed a lot of cards this year. I’m guessing that half of the cards we received were in direct response to the ones we sent out. I know this because we don’t usually get that many Christmas cards!

I have nothing against those who sent us cards because they got one from us. We loved seeing your family photos and little notes. They’re still on top of our piano. It does highlight, though, what this post is all about: the natural human tendency to reciprocate, to give back to those who gave to us. If the desire to give back is that strong in our relatively individualistic American culture, how much more important is it in the lives of people from other more relationship-based cultures? I work with international students, so I see this everyday.

I had been helping a houseful of Chinese undergrads get settled in our town–buy furniture, open bank accounts, find the grocery store, etc. They came on a sightseeing trip and even the first week or two of our Friday night gatherings. And then they stopped coming. I called and texted a few times but with no response. Eventually, the most outspoken student spoke up. He thanked me for helping them in so many ways, but revealed that they weren’t involved anymore because they didn’t know how to pay me back for what I had already done for them. I had freely given but had failed to receive.

As Christians, we’ve often taken the mantra “it’s better to give than to receive” too far. In service of our pride and sense of accomplishment, we’ve failed to allow those we minister to minister to us. That was the case with those Chinese students. With sincere and generous hearts, we go out to feed the five thousand–but only with our own bread and fish.

It all comes down to grace. As followers of Jesus, we want to share the love and grace of Jesus with our friends and neighbors. We’ve experienced it, and we want them to as well. However, in our effort to meet all of their needs, we neglect to allow our friends the opportunity to meet some of ours as well. If we’re not careful, our relationships can become like a panhandler to a passersby. Over time, they feel entitled, and we feel guilty for not giving enough.

“When someone has been given much, much will be required in return” (Luke 12:48, NLT). You and I extend grace easily and freely, but sometimes to a fault. We can actually inadvertently hinder the grace that our friends–even ones who don’t yet share our faith–want to give back to us. The Bible says that we love because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). Isn’t this reciprocation at work, too?

That’s why I’ve started letting students buy their own lunches and pitch in for rides to the airport. After all, isn’t that what a true friendship looks like? In fact, my favorite way to allow my international friends to give back is by inviting them over to my house to cook a meal. They can use my pots, pans, and kitchen, but they bring the ingredients and do all of the work. My family and I really enjoy these times. The students are able to treat us to some tasty ethnic food, and we can share a couple hours of conversation and memories together.

How might this look in your life? Among your friends? In what ways might you free yourself to receive from others this week?